What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:55
She married twice! .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What misfortune led to an important discovery?
I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why don't I want to talk to my girlfriend when she loves me a lot? I feel bored.
This is soul school!.
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Has anyone shared his wife with a friend? How was it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do some men love sucking cocks?
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What is the most heartbreaking thing your child has told you?
Comes on , in middle age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What do men find attractive in an older woman?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!